Nearly two years ago I attended the press night of a play in the Young Vic Theater, Southwark. At the time, I was a recent graduate working in a Department store searching for my big break into journalism. It was a great time in my life as I felt very free and invigorated. I was responsible, working nearly full-time and paying my way in the world. I was actually enjoying the routine of going to work, to a job which I didn't want to stay in long term but equally enjoyed with the company of fun colleagues and a light-hearted fairly easy-going environment. I enjoyed talking to customers and pootling down to the stock room but I knew I wanted more. My work was flexible, I could take days off to go to the North of England and visit my grandparents, we went on a lovely holiday to the Lake District actually, and I enjoyed trekking up the Guisborough Hills solo - something I had never done before. I got really fit and healthy and finally began to understand what to do with my hair, how to have it in it's natural texture without changing it's form. I had a stint on well-known hair and beauty magazine too. I was growing. I had a great social life; exploring different parts of London with friends; Shoreditch, Dalston to Ladbroke Grove; checking out cool underground, Reggae and Afrocentric gigs and being rather silly in big house clubs in Kings Cross. I remember it being a really fun time. I was taking Spanish classes with people much older than myself who didn't notice my youth. I fell in love with Zadie Smith's eloquence. I fell in love with lots of things, I even considered Rastafarianism. I was writing, going to talks about being empowered in Hoxton, attending plays and music concerts, getting back in contact with old friends, going on random bike rides - it was a great time. I took up a TEFL course and ended up meeting interesting people from all over the world, a weed-smoking, outspoken French woman who after a gig invited a few of us to her house, where we had a weird and wonderful drive to her digs in East London where she shared intimate personal stories about her journey. There was an Asian guy too who shared his early 00s party day experiences, to being out on the road for weeks on end without contacting anyone and without having a bed to sleep in. I felt like I was going for it, finding my place in the world, planning new adventures, making career decisions. Admittedly, I was slightly confused, and I struggled to secure my big break into journalism. I still haven't had it actually.
Eagerly routing through to 'get my life started' I applied for job after job as of course, that's what gets your life started, right? Nothing seemed to happen. So there I was, nearly two years ago, having the time of my life, feeling free and ambitious, at a press night of a play. Sipping a glass of complimentary wine in the post-show social, there were a few celebrities in the room. The beautiful Thandie Newton graced her presence, but she didn't say anything memorable. I happened to spot a successful, well-known journalist from a similar background to myself, and with the encouragement of a friend I made a beeline for it and introduced myself. I asked her how she got to where she was and of course she told me that it wasn't easy, that it took years of hard work, of free work and of dedication - no surprise there then. Of course she couldn't help me, there was no 'quick route in', no 'pass card' so to speak. Just keep doing what you're doing. And then she said something frightfully striking; I think this is why I will possibly remember this encounter for the rest of my life;
'You have to know exactly what you want and then go for it.'
That is what she said to me. May I stress, 'exactly what you want'.
Exactly
What
You
Want
Did I feel encouraged, motivated, inspired? Well quite frankly, no because how on earth would I know exactly what I wanted at 22 years of age having just left University and striving to make my print in this large world? See the thing is, I do not think that any of us know exactly what we want. We have a rough idea, a silhouette. But most of the time we don't know quite how to turn that silhouette into an oblique.
And I think that is absolutely fine.
There is no right or wrong, there are just moments and experiences. I think that along the way we learn what we like and what we don't like, what we want and what we don't want.
So to put it all into perspective, I was having a fantastic time in my life, I was happy. I may not, and still may not be in a place within my career where I desire to be but I am happy for the process, as the process gets the end result. I admire my fellow journalist, I admire her dedication and success. I agree with my play pal in one sense - you do have to work hard for anything that you want in life, extremely hard - but the question is; can anyone really know exactly what they want?
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